Sam Cosentino's "scouting reports" are terrible

ChatGPT could write a better list.

Alright, here’s the first post I’ve made on Substack that I suppose you can file under “humour.” Sam Cosentino is Sportsnet’s resident junior hockey “analyst,” who produces some of the worst scouting reports you’ll ever read on the internet. His most recent offering is perhaps the most shockingly bad of his catalogue, which is really saying something. It made the rounds on hockey Twitter this afternoon for all the wrong reasons.

I won’t go through the whole thing here, but let’s go through a few highlights and why I think this one of the worst pre-draft things I’ve ever read.

3.) Matvei Michkov, RW, Sochi (KHL): What impact will the unfortunate and tragic passing of his father have on the player moving forward?

Putting aside just how garbage this is, just imagine you’re an NHL GM for a second. One of your scouts, who you’re paying to… Scout… Strolls into the draft room and serves up the amazing tidbit of information that the player you’re looking at lost his father, and maybe that could affect his game.

I assume you’re firing that man on the spot, because of course you didn’t pay him a salary to read headlines and speculate, you paid him to SCOUT. Sportsnet apparently pays this man to analyze prospects, and the only thing he has to say about his third-ranked prospect is “well, his dad died.”

5.) Will Smith, C, USNTDP: Has a bubbly personality to go along with world-class skill.  Makes plays and has excellent finishing touch. 

My son has a bubbly personality, but I’m reasonably positive that it won’t get him drafted this year for a few reasons.

1. He’s three, and thus ineligible to be drafted

2. He’s severely undersized at little more than three feet tall, so even if he were eligible, it would be a long shot.

3. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME A TEAM MADE A DECISION ON A TOP FIVE PICK BY GOING “NAHHHHHH… THIS GUY ISN’T BUBBLY ENOUGH????”

6.) Zachary Benson, LW, Winnipeg Ice (WHL): On a team full of rock stars, first-round picks and other NHL interests, he’s the best of the lot on many nights.  

Benson hasn’t played in a month. I’d agree that he’s the best player on his team many nights, but you’d think a scouting report might require a slight mention of that, no? Something like “He’s been out for a month with an upper-body injury but [insert tired old fake-scout trope about his scoring]” wouldn’t have been that hard to prove you’ve been paying attention, would it?

I’ll go out on a limb here and say the last time he watched a Winnipeg Ice game was the 35th of Nevuary. He’s watched Youtube highlight packs at best.

7.) Colby Barlow, RW, Owen Sound Attack (OHL): Oozes character and a skill set that screams shoot first, but not only limited to the shot option. 

Oh it’s the fucking Ivan Ooze of character, folks! Imprisoned in a hyper lock chamber by Zordon for many years, he has been freed by Lord Zedd and will unleash his character all over the NHL.

Apparently through the boredom of his imprisonment, he’s learned precisely two things other than just oozing character — shoot, or do something other than shoot. Riveting.

24.) Charle Stramel, RW, Wisconsin University (NCAA): World junior experience was a window into a better second half at Wisconsin. 

Most outlets have Stramel outside of the first round, so if you have him at 24, I’d expect that you think you know something others don’t. Apparently not, because all you’ve got is “he played better after the WJC.”

29.) Kalan Lind, LW, Red Deer Rebels (WHL): Stock will rise and come back into focus as the NHL playoffs begin and how important it is to have a pest with skill in your lineup. 

This doesn’t even make sense, Sam. The way you wrote it sounds like Lind is going to be in the NHL playoffs. That would be something, considering that you included him in your ranking of players that are going to be drafted this summer.

30.) Nick Lardis, LW, Hamilton Bulldogs (OHL): Continued torrid scoring pace through Hamilton’s six playoff games.

I am again begging for an original thought here, Sam. When you say “this guy scored a lot,” all it tells me is that you can read his Elite Prospects page.

I can’t speak for Sportsnet, but if I were paying someone to write scouting articles for me, I’d certainly expect they do a little more than click the first result that comes up when they google a player’s name.